Monday, May 16, 2005

Trendy Red Sox Fans

Trends come and go. The Farrah Fawcet haircut, the Thompson Twins, acid wash jeans and grown men using the adjective 'gnarly' have all thankfully passed away as time has progressed.

It's time for another trend to go away, alas, it will be a while before it does, for right now, this trend is at its peak.

It's time for trendy Boston Red Sox fans to die the same death, the KISS solo albums did in 1978.

Are you a Boston Red Sox fan? I have a small quiz for you then...

1. Where and what is the .406 club?

2. Which Red Sox player used to spit at the fans and/or the press box when he hit a homerun?

3. Tris Speaker vs. Jimmie Foxx discuss who was greater and why.

4. You are coming from Oak Grove to see the Red Sox, name the subway line you would consider taking to see the game.

5. In regards to question 4, what stop would you get off at?

6. In most places, Who's On First refers to a Abbot/Costello routine, in Boston though, what would most people would be talking about what when they mention 'Who's on First?'

7. Who is Thomas Menino?

8. You walk into Fenway Park from Gate C and start heading to the Bleacher Seats, what would most Red Sox fans confess is dominant smell in those corridors as you venture to the Bleachers?

Now if you struggle with more than 2 of these questions, I would now like to inform you that you are not a real Red Sox fan.

To the real Red Sox fans of the Earth, the natives of New England, the generational tradition that has permeated that region for a century, I have no argument with you. Indeed, you have my respect, as much as I dislike Boston, I confess it is one of America's greatest sports towns. the slacker, who works at Starbucks, with his Modest Mouse CD collection, surfing his favorite web site for Halo 2 cheats and exploits, who wears a Red Sox hat because he read some article about that "Babe Ruth curse" somewhere...

...or to the chubby chick that thinks the Red Sox are the charming epicenter of baseball, but have never been east of Spokane and doesn't have a clue what position Bobby Doerr played...

...or to the ultra-liberal pansy, who digs the notion of the perpetual underdog so much, that he wears a Red Sox hat to promote his devotion to all things weak, inept and vaguely conspiratorial but never once saw Yaz hit a homerun...

...or to man in his 40's, who bought a Pedro Martinez jersey one day, because his own home team has gone out of fashion at work and amongst his friends, and then places said jersey next to his Manchester United shirt, his San Jose Shark jersey and the bevy of other merchandise received from all of you, who have clung to the Red Sox, because its the "nifty" thing to do these days...and especially to those of you who think that doing so, makes you a 'real' fan of baseball, I tell you this:

You are not a Red Sox fan, you are a vapid, follower of social trends. In 15 years from now, when the yarn of the "Babe Ruth" curse has lost its luster, you'll be sporting a Cubs hat, or a Buffalo Bills hat, or some other jersey or icon, which ESPN and the rest of the sports conglomerates are spinning as the 'grand epic tale'.

You and your kind will die one day, just like the notion that 'Tears for Fears' were a great and serious band.

And for me personally, it cannot happen a day too soon.

Personally, I've hated the Red Sox for two decades, and I will continue to do so with utter delight for many decades more, oh and fuck the Yankees too while we're at it!

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